HEY GUYS i've moved to tumblr, the link is here:

http://just-selah.tumblr.com/
http://just-selah.tumblr.com/
http://just-selah.tumblr.com/

I figured tumblr would be easier to manage since blogger has been giving me problems with embedding videos, and could allow people to follow the blog instead of subscribing to email notifications. also, i realise the font on tumblr is a little (very) small so i'm working on changing that! thanks guys, God bless (:

Girl Things that the Church Doesn't Talk About

Intimacy.

I thought I had it down to a science. Unfortunately, I don't. It is quite possible that I never will.

This particular post is difficult for me to write because these are not church-certified topics. They're not topics I talk about with my girlfriends or my guy friends, and they're not things I frequently discuss with my family either. However, it's an issue that I believe is important, and an issue that God has placed in my heart. I'm still going back and forth about whether sharing and posting this is the wise thing to do, but whatever my decision, I pray it isn't a stumbling block for those who read this (and if it is, please let me know so I can take the necessary actions) and that it might help someone along the way.

I struggle with the whole concept of intimacy. Recently some of my friends were discussing how funny it is that girls are so okay with physical intimacy and cuddling, while guys feel the need to punctuate all same-sex physical contact with "no homo" and its synonyms. I smiled and nodded along, but secretly, I couldn't empathise. I'm not comfortable with physical contact. I am not a hugger, I don't like sitting on people's laps, and I get awkward with people putting their heads on my shoulder. More than not knowing what to do, I just don't... like it. (My love language is quality time. I got a zero for physical touch when I took the love languages test. Huh.)

This is not a recent "problem". I've never been a big fan of touch and embrace. I cringe at the word "babe". I don't find myself noticing cute boys (or parts of cute boys). For awhile, I thought there must have been something wrong with me. I did research. As a child I thought I was adulterous (I was seven and didn't entirely understand the concept). Growing into secondary school, I thought I was either lesbian or asexual. I just didn't understand why these things that other girls were so comfortable with, I couldn't accept as normal with my friends or even my own brother.

That's when my porn problem started, and it started small. I still can't pinpoint why it happened. Maybe I wanted to psych myself into being more sensual, more appreciative of physical contact. Maybe I wanted to convince myself that I was able to respond to sensual or sexual stimulus of some sort. Maybe I wanted to confirm that I was or wasn't homosexual. I didn't know. What I do know is that it did none of these things for me. It didn't help my situation. It made it worse.

I started to see the people around me as objects. Although I've never labelled a boy or a girl as hot or attractive, I can admit to constantly having sex on my mind. In a culture that encourages that, that is practically fighting for female sexual liberty, my case wasn't unique. I didn't reveal much about my problem, and if I ever said anything in this sort of vein, it wasn't met with a choir of puritanical gasps. It was just a girl who had made an innuendo. Okay.

I honestly refused to accept I had a problem for the longest time. After awhile, I realised that the material I was being exposed to had gotten progressively more derogative, and it was then that I realised I had a problem. Those were the moments I realised my valiant attempt at self-help and girlifying hadn't worked. It had worsened my existing condition (whatever that was).

I realised that I needed to stop. I needed to tell someone, to be held accountable for this sort of thing and to hold back. But week after week, I heard the pastor telling the youth group that "all guys have to deal with porn and masturbation" or "boys, avert your eyes from pornography". It wouldn't have made sense to talk about female masturbation and pornography problems because our youth pastor is male, but it made me feel progressively more lost. I realised I was trapped in a boy's problem. While my guy peers could openly discuss their history with porn and affirm one another, I felt much more constricted. If even the pastor couldn't talk about it on the pulpit, how was I supposed to seek help one-to-one with another girl? How could I know for sure that girls even had porn problems? How could I be certain that the girls I had come to value in my church wouldn't start to distance themselves from me under the impression that I was a pervert?

The first few weeks, I came forward to the altar and confessed and promised myself that this was dirty and I wasn't going to do it again, but each week I regressed to the same thing, and the problem got worse. And each time one of my co-CLs asked what was wrong, I felt an instantaneous guilty feeling that I wasn't close enough to them to disclose the kind of problem I had. And that didn't help.

Weeks went by and I stopped going up to the altar. I told myself "no point making consecrated promises when I'm just going to rip them apart tonight". I wanted to honour God, not make a joke out of His mercy. I understood forgiveness, but I also understood the weight of a promise, something I hadn't been keeping.

It's funny that I can't actually remember the exact instance that I realised I had to tell someone. What I do remember is frantically Googling for psychological and emotional reasons for porn problems. I searched for other girls who might have similar problems, and was repeatedly met with three responses: 1) It's a guy problem and girls don't do porn; 2) It's perfectly fine for girls to be curious; 3) You need to tell somebody. I had known the latter all along at the back of my mind somewhere, but it was only then that I accepted that yes, I had to tell my mom. I had to be held accountable. And I decided I would do it on Friday, which is when we usually go out and chat. But that night the place we picked was a busy Haagen Dasz, and I just didn't feel comfortable knowing that about ten other people would hear my problem if I shared it with her that night.

The next week, my dad went out with my uncle, and so we all had to stay home, and there was no chat with my mother. The week after, the dinner was also inexplicably cancelled.

At church, I decided I would do it. My parents were going to be out at an event; I could write my mom a letter. So I did.

The most ironic thing is that after crafting the letter with heaped spoonfuls of guilt and trepidation and slipping it under her pillow inside a sealed envelope, I opened the issue of Kalos our church had given us that same day, and right there in the first few pages in the Aunt Agony section (or whatever it's called) was a question about girl porn problems. I sort of did a little binky in my heart knowing that God had had a back-up plan for me if I had tried to evade the letter writing (as I had evaded a HTHT) and also that other girls had similar struggles.

My mom later came in and talked with me and prayed with me.

The sub-point I'm addressing through this event is that it's not a boys' problem. It's not something you need to be shameful of. Yes, it's wrong, but it doesn't make you less of a girl. It doesn't transform you instantly into a sexual object that no longer has a right to stable relationships.

Fast-forward about a week later, and as part of our cell material, I've booked a date with God; a half an hour walk in the evening.

I found myself again asking why I have issues with porn or lust, why I don't value physical contact. I found myself saying that I knew there was a bigger problem than just "you have a pornography problem"; I knew there was something more deeply rooted than that.

I found Him talking to me about intimacy.

There were many things He said to me (the walk turned into a sixty minute long endeavour), and the key thing is this:

You need an intimacy with God. I need an intimacy with God. He reminded me that everyone has a desire for intimacy, for closeness. But it's an awkwardly shaped gap, and people try to fill it with other things: in my case, it was porn. In some people's cases, it's marriage. The thing is that none of these things are the jigsaw piece we're looking for. It sounds preachy, but it's also true: we're looking for God. And that's why some married people still have porn addictions. Because even though they think marriage is the intimacy they're looking for, it's not.

In a previous vision, God had shared that I would one day have children and a family. During my walk with Him, I went on to ask Him how this could be possible if I couldn't even stand a girl squeezing my shoulder.

God went further to remind me that I wouldn't be ready for a romantic relationship until I had a love relationship with Him. "Your fear of intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy, will gradually start to thaw as you get to know me."

I asked Him what would happen if I just didn't get close to Him; so many non-Christians have perfectly regular marriages and they're happy.

He said to me, "you really think you'd be able to upkeep a relationship with a boy without first getting to know me? Trust me. If you don't get close to me, you'll spend your whole life afraid of closeness. Even if you wanted to, you wouldn't be able to convince yourself to allow yourself that with a guy."

He said much more, about other aspects of my life, but this was the biggest takeaway point for me. It was the realisation that I've been seeking intimacy in the wrong places, and hoping for an eventual marriage and family was me evading the root concept.

At the end of the day, the guy God has planned for me is not going to test me on the duration I can hold hands with him for. He will not make me do kissing drills to make sure I'm okay with contact. He's not going to get upset if I am not big on cuddling during movies. No, God has planned someone for me who is able to walk with me and Jesus. That's what I have realised I want too, when the time is right.

And girls, the same goes out to you: don't feel tortured by media and marketing and friends to "look good in a thong" or "please your man in bed". That's not your role. That's not anybody's role. Your role as a woman, as a girl, as a female, is to walk with God (just like the boys are called to do. Surprise! God doesn't play gender discrimination), and to recognise your royal heritage as God's princess with a home in heaven. Your duty is not to people or to men. Your duty is to God, and when the situation calls for it, yourself. God has never called you fat. He has never called you out on the shape of your nose. He is never going to tell you that your body shape is less attractive than the next girl's. God is extremely confident in you, and has a whole catwalk set up just for you. Don't shortchange yourself of that.

If you have a porn problem, if you have commitment issues, if you have daddy issues, I think you need to look at your relationship with God. Are you silently searching for God without even realising it? And if so, how can you get back into the game? My suggestions:

1. Find a cell group pronto. Or just one (same gender/sex) accountability partner who you're comfortable opening up to, and pray together frequently. Share verses. Create a whatsapp group to keep each other in check.
2. Do your devotions without fail. Whether this means finding devotional material or a Bible reading plan or an audiobook, find a way to ensure you don't excuse yourself from familiarising yourself with God's word.
3. Don't pray for the sake of praying. Pray because you have the privilege to be heard by the King of all. Pray because you have something to say in Jesus' name. Pray because Jesus loves you.

I recognise and hope that majority of readers will be girls, and maybe even girls struggling with similar problems, but if you are a guy, then I want to say that the same goes for you too! Find a cell group, get close to God, and pray fervently. I don't think God plays gender favourites. He also isn't going to shut you out because of a mistake. Admittedly, I will know much less about how to deal with this as a boy, because I'm... not a boy. And I won't say that you have it easier, because I don't know what you're going through. But I will say that you do not need to be ashamed of owning up to your male cell group leaders or guy church friends, and allowing them to pray for you. With humility comes healing (something I had to learn the hard way).

This has been incredibly difficult to write (for some reason, I've been completely brain-dead typing this but God has put words into my fingers) because I know it's not a popular issue. It's a very personal issue as well; I don't think I've shared anything this close to my heart on this blog before. As such, I'd appreciate it if you treat it with some basic respect. I would love for you to share this and feedback regarding this, but please don't turn this into an avenue to bully me or any other girls who have this problem. Or guys. And, though it's not really in my control, I sincerely hope it isn't detrimental to the way you view me. If, however, this is stumbling to you and you feel you cannot be around me or that it is better if such things aren't publicised (or certain parts of it), I understand and would love your feedback.

Thank you, and as always, have a blessed, blessed week ahead.

The 5 Types of Worshippers

Hello guys! I've decided to make Sunday my vlog day (Slog?) and here is this week's . Unfortunately, blogger is again not recognising my video format and all that (maybe it's too long oops). Anyway. In short, this week I'm discussing worship, and what it means to be a good worshipper. Enjoy!

Starting from the Heart

Hey guys! I apologise. It's been forever since I last posted. I would go on and on and on, but I have done up a sort-of vlog to commemorate my returning to this blog after a disappointing hiatus. Here it is! (It's a little long & also couldn't be posted to this blog for some reason. Hm.)

Service Means Nothing to God if it Costs Nothing to You

Service means nothing to God if it costs nothing to you.

These are the words that God put into my heart today during drum rehearsals at church.

--If you would like to ignore my very long drama mama background story thingy please skip this section--

Anything to do with music is always tough for me (I think I've written about this before but I can't remember soOo here goes my grandmother story...) because it's the one thing that I've never really been able to live up to, in anybody's eyes. I've been told that I can't sing (out of a group of maybe twenty kids in a big-scale musical, I was the only one sent outside the recording studio to babysit the smaller children, and the only one who wasn't allowed to sing for the recording!), I've been rejected from auditions, I've been told my timing is off... it goes on. Plus the fact that my father and brother are extremely musically inclined, I always felt like I was falling short. I went for an entire year without playing or listening to any music, and when I finally eased back into the whole thing, I was even worse than when I started out.

Yeah. Why am I telling you this?

Because when two (wow) years ago, God told me to join the worship ministry with drums, all of this was what went through my mind. Again, I was afraid of not meeting expectations. I actually snuck into church (well. If you can call it sneaking. I mean, it's a church. Doors are always open.) one day after school to sit by the drum set in the youth service hall and prayed, asking if this was what God really wanted me to do. God told me that at the end of the day, He doesn't care how badly I play. As Sister Samantha shared with me today, "first work on your heart, then your art". It's about my attitude of worship, it's about letting Him use me. That's it. That's all there is to it.

There were lots of obstacles. (I believe in the whole "satan only tries to hold back the people who God is moving forward" thing) Rehearsals and school were both crazy, and so I couldn't make training for nearly an entire year. Maybe more.

--Okay we're done with the context-y stuff. Real blog post starts now.--

I'll be honest. Today was not one of my best days. Today was not a sparkly, summery "day in the life of a happy Christian girl". It was anything but. And in all honesty, I'm still feeling kind of rough.

By the time I got to church, I was feeling so mentally lethargic and so crumpled that I got more nervous than I normally am before drumming. My legs were shaking, my arms were shaking, I couldn't see straight. I couldn't count the timing in my head, and I couldn't play to the beat.

Towards, I think, the middle of the first song, I started hearing the voice of the vocal coach from that one musical that made me stay off music for a year (she's actually a really lovely person, and she came and apologised/prayed with me the year after. No grudges are being held, I promise.). I kept hearing both her words and mine: "you're not good enough", "you can't sing". And then my old drum teacher (who is also incredibly nice) started chiming in too; I started hearing him go "your timing is off" and "you can't do that". Mostly, I think all of this blowing-things-out-of-proportion stems from my insecurity in music as a whole.

I tried to carry on playing, but after awhile, these things were the only things I could hear, and I started crying. I felt like I'd been doing a pretty good job getting over the negativity (hey! I don't lipsynch at worship, and I sometimes sing around my friends!) so having it all come back and hit me like a tsunami was something I hadn't felt in awhile. I wasn't prepared to feel that way, and it felt horrible.

The entire worship team was really, really nice about it. Sister Samantha asked if I wanted to talk about it, and then she prayed for me. After I was done playing the rehearsal, she brought me aside to chat as well.

After she prayed for me, God reminded me that real service costs something. He reminded me that it's easy to give if you have nothing to lose, and it's easy to accelerate if the engine already works. He reminded me of the time that He first revealed that He wanted to put me in the creative arts ministry, when I was in church by the drum set. Of how He told me that He doesn't care whether I have the talent or the gift. And how He reminded me that He is greater than any shortcoming, and He can use whoever and whatever He wants to use, for His beautiful glory.

It's so great to be able to say that God is using my weaknesses for His glory. How many people do you know who can and will do that?

So yes. On a final note, I want to encourage anybody and everybody who might have been feeling like your service, or your work, or your school stuff, isn't worth it anymore. DON'T GIVE UP! It's hard to see it now, and it will be hard to see for awhile, but God can't bless us with sight if we were never blind in the first place. Keep fighting! God is going to use you, and He loves you (including all your flaws).

God bless!

Do not forget the Lord (courtesy of Shawn)

Hey guys! What is up! I've recently been going through (I know... "again??") a dry season and I've started to feel like I'm falling behind in my walk with God. Yes, Hillsong was revitalising, but with all the schoolwork, it sometimes feels impossible trying to stay cool headed and representing Christ.

Anyway. Today a church friend (thanks Shawn) texted me out of the blue and it really was a word in season. He says I can share it here, and I do believe it will bless you guys too. Have a read + a brilliant week! (Reminder that you can send me prayer requests / just your name via email @ chindijap@me.com)

"Dear Heavenly Father I commit my sister here into your hands, that you hold her and grant her peace in her heart, to know that wherever she is at right now, you are there, For Her. "Do not forget". I think The Lord really wants to remind you today to Not Forget about Him. That same God that walks beside you is that same God that is with you throughout all the seasons of your life. Things may change from season but I tell you, our God is evergreen. The Lord will deliver you with his mighty hand, KNOW that The Lord will provide. Worship God, no matter what season you are in, even if you might feel far, Worship Him because of Who He Is, and not for what He Has Done Or Will Do. Amen"

"Hello Guys. So I was spending QT just now earlier in the morning and I was reading Deuteronomy 8. The title of the chapter was "Do Not Forget The Lord". So I was thinking. Hmmmmmm. 

What do you mean forget The Lord. 

While reading the chapter, few things really spoke out to me. Sometimes we just get so caught up in the moment, we actually do forget The Lord. Be it in times of when we get caught up in worrying about the uncertainties ahead, or times when we get so caught up in the pleasure of achievement, glory and all that other stuff. In our circumstances, We Forget. 

We forget that the same God that "brought us out of Egypt, the land of slavery", the one that has freed us through the stripes he has bore, the one that has "fed us manna" (provision) is the same God that is with us, when we face times of uncertainty. 

At the same time, we forget that whatever we enjoy, "17 You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." 18 But remember The Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth..." 

We are human. We tend to forget. 

And the chapter really comforted me because lately, I've been really bothered by my studies. I keep thinking, ah, I'm gonna die, I can't study. Nothing is productive. Why am I not productive. Is it me? Am I lacking discipline? How. What now. I cannot. 

Do Not Forget The Lord. It just spoke out so loud to me. That, it's not what I can do, I do what I can, but it's The Lord that ultimately provides for me. Not by my acts, but by my Faith. 

So maybe some of us think, "ARE YOU TELLING ME, SINCE GOD IS GOING TO PROVIDE, I DONT NEED TO STUDY?" Or "BUT ITS STUDIES. HOW DO I LET IT GO TO GOD. SINGAPORE IS ALL ABOUT PAPER QUALIFICATIONS." 

This season as students, we are called to Study, that's our job. We do what we can, we do whatever God has given us, placed in our lives, to our best of ability. But in the process, Do Not Forget The Lord. I don't know how it speaks to you, but I'll leave it as that :) 

And the thing about faith, yes, indeed, it's hard to trust what we cannot see. But it's faith afterall, isn't it? I don't believe that God has not presented himself to anyone of us here before. We KNOW and BELIEVE He is real, no? (Amen) and the thing is, if faith is gained by what we see, doesn't that make a pretty weak basis for our faith? 

Have a gudday gais."

hillsong~

I feel like i need to make this post because the last worship concert post I did was on the planetshakers one, and I had mixed feelings about it. I'm here to say a couple of things that I learnt through this Hillsong concert.

1. The burden I'm bearing is unnecessary. Being in two ministries and cell leading is tiring, and draining, but those things aren't in the job description. Christ speaks through me. I am not in control. It's stressful when I try to work things out alone because that isn't the way this was intended to be. That's like a water jug getting tired of pouring itself.

2. Worship is service. And, like most means of service, it's mostly for yourself. Sounds selfish, but it's true. God doesn't need worship. He doesn't feed off our clapping and singing. But we do! Worship is a declaration and a confirmation for ourselves that we have a powerful God who is real, and we're not afraid to say so. I mean, if you are what you listen to, then how much more impactful is singing about God's grace and faithfulness?

3. God is the world's biggest celebrity. If we can get up and shout and cheer for bands at concerts, why shouldn't we do that for Christ? I guess if we're careful where we're directing the praise, at the end of the day, worship concerts are a way for us to scream and shout to God. Why this can't happen on an everyday basis, I'm not sure (what's stopping us from pulling a King David and writing songs and dancing for God?). But I do know that I don't normally jump around yelling about God's grace. At this concert, at church worship sessions, I do.

4. I have a future in Christ, for Christ. One of the things God reassured me with was that I will have children. It sounds weird, I know. But one of the main things I used to worry about a lot was that I wouldn't have kids, or that I wouldn't make a good mother. This revelation came in the middle of my asking Him what I should do with my life to glorify Him. He told me I would one day have a family, and that I need to stop worrying about the future and focus on what's happening now. He's got a plan for me that will unfold in His time, not mine.

This is a pretty short reflection considering the weight of the things God said to me. It was quite a lot, and they were some pretty big stuff. But in gist, this is what happened and how I feel. God bless you guys!