Girl Things that the Church Doesn't Talk About

Intimacy.

I thought I had it down to a science. Unfortunately, I don't. It is quite possible that I never will.

This particular post is difficult for me to write because these are not church-certified topics. They're not topics I talk about with my girlfriends or my guy friends, and they're not things I frequently discuss with my family either. However, it's an issue that I believe is important, and an issue that God has placed in my heart. I'm still going back and forth about whether sharing and posting this is the wise thing to do, but whatever my decision, I pray it isn't a stumbling block for those who read this (and if it is, please let me know so I can take the necessary actions) and that it might help someone along the way.

I struggle with the whole concept of intimacy. Recently some of my friends were discussing how funny it is that girls are so okay with physical intimacy and cuddling, while guys feel the need to punctuate all same-sex physical contact with "no homo" and its synonyms. I smiled and nodded along, but secretly, I couldn't empathise. I'm not comfortable with physical contact. I am not a hugger, I don't like sitting on people's laps, and I get awkward with people putting their heads on my shoulder. More than not knowing what to do, I just don't... like it. (My love language is quality time. I got a zero for physical touch when I took the love languages test. Huh.)

This is not a recent "problem". I've never been a big fan of touch and embrace. I cringe at the word "babe". I don't find myself noticing cute boys (or parts of cute boys). For awhile, I thought there must have been something wrong with me. I did research. As a child I thought I was adulterous (I was seven and didn't entirely understand the concept). Growing into secondary school, I thought I was either lesbian or asexual. I just didn't understand why these things that other girls were so comfortable with, I couldn't accept as normal with my friends or even my own brother.

That's when my porn problem started, and it started small. I still can't pinpoint why it happened. Maybe I wanted to psych myself into being more sensual, more appreciative of physical contact. Maybe I wanted to convince myself that I was able to respond to sensual or sexual stimulus of some sort. Maybe I wanted to confirm that I was or wasn't homosexual. I didn't know. What I do know is that it did none of these things for me. It didn't help my situation. It made it worse.

I started to see the people around me as objects. Although I've never labelled a boy or a girl as hot or attractive, I can admit to constantly having sex on my mind. In a culture that encourages that, that is practically fighting for female sexual liberty, my case wasn't unique. I didn't reveal much about my problem, and if I ever said anything in this sort of vein, it wasn't met with a choir of puritanical gasps. It was just a girl who had made an innuendo. Okay.

I honestly refused to accept I had a problem for the longest time. After awhile, I realised that the material I was being exposed to had gotten progressively more derogative, and it was then that I realised I had a problem. Those were the moments I realised my valiant attempt at self-help and girlifying hadn't worked. It had worsened my existing condition (whatever that was).

I realised that I needed to stop. I needed to tell someone, to be held accountable for this sort of thing and to hold back. But week after week, I heard the pastor telling the youth group that "all guys have to deal with porn and masturbation" or "boys, avert your eyes from pornography". It wouldn't have made sense to talk about female masturbation and pornography problems because our youth pastor is male, but it made me feel progressively more lost. I realised I was trapped in a boy's problem. While my guy peers could openly discuss their history with porn and affirm one another, I felt much more constricted. If even the pastor couldn't talk about it on the pulpit, how was I supposed to seek help one-to-one with another girl? How could I know for sure that girls even had porn problems? How could I be certain that the girls I had come to value in my church wouldn't start to distance themselves from me under the impression that I was a pervert?

The first few weeks, I came forward to the altar and confessed and promised myself that this was dirty and I wasn't going to do it again, but each week I regressed to the same thing, and the problem got worse. And each time one of my co-CLs asked what was wrong, I felt an instantaneous guilty feeling that I wasn't close enough to them to disclose the kind of problem I had. And that didn't help.

Weeks went by and I stopped going up to the altar. I told myself "no point making consecrated promises when I'm just going to rip them apart tonight". I wanted to honour God, not make a joke out of His mercy. I understood forgiveness, but I also understood the weight of a promise, something I hadn't been keeping.

It's funny that I can't actually remember the exact instance that I realised I had to tell someone. What I do remember is frantically Googling for psychological and emotional reasons for porn problems. I searched for other girls who might have similar problems, and was repeatedly met with three responses: 1) It's a guy problem and girls don't do porn; 2) It's perfectly fine for girls to be curious; 3) You need to tell somebody. I had known the latter all along at the back of my mind somewhere, but it was only then that I accepted that yes, I had to tell my mom. I had to be held accountable. And I decided I would do it on Friday, which is when we usually go out and chat. But that night the place we picked was a busy Haagen Dasz, and I just didn't feel comfortable knowing that about ten other people would hear my problem if I shared it with her that night.

The next week, my dad went out with my uncle, and so we all had to stay home, and there was no chat with my mother. The week after, the dinner was also inexplicably cancelled.

At church, I decided I would do it. My parents were going to be out at an event; I could write my mom a letter. So I did.

The most ironic thing is that after crafting the letter with heaped spoonfuls of guilt and trepidation and slipping it under her pillow inside a sealed envelope, I opened the issue of Kalos our church had given us that same day, and right there in the first few pages in the Aunt Agony section (or whatever it's called) was a question about girl porn problems. I sort of did a little binky in my heart knowing that God had had a back-up plan for me if I had tried to evade the letter writing (as I had evaded a HTHT) and also that other girls had similar struggles.

My mom later came in and talked with me and prayed with me.

The sub-point I'm addressing through this event is that it's not a boys' problem. It's not something you need to be shameful of. Yes, it's wrong, but it doesn't make you less of a girl. It doesn't transform you instantly into a sexual object that no longer has a right to stable relationships.

Fast-forward about a week later, and as part of our cell material, I've booked a date with God; a half an hour walk in the evening.

I found myself again asking why I have issues with porn or lust, why I don't value physical contact. I found myself saying that I knew there was a bigger problem than just "you have a pornography problem"; I knew there was something more deeply rooted than that.

I found Him talking to me about intimacy.

There were many things He said to me (the walk turned into a sixty minute long endeavour), and the key thing is this:

You need an intimacy with God. I need an intimacy with God. He reminded me that everyone has a desire for intimacy, for closeness. But it's an awkwardly shaped gap, and people try to fill it with other things: in my case, it was porn. In some people's cases, it's marriage. The thing is that none of these things are the jigsaw piece we're looking for. It sounds preachy, but it's also true: we're looking for God. And that's why some married people still have porn addictions. Because even though they think marriage is the intimacy they're looking for, it's not.

In a previous vision, God had shared that I would one day have children and a family. During my walk with Him, I went on to ask Him how this could be possible if I couldn't even stand a girl squeezing my shoulder.

God went further to remind me that I wouldn't be ready for a romantic relationship until I had a love relationship with Him. "Your fear of intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy, will gradually start to thaw as you get to know me."

I asked Him what would happen if I just didn't get close to Him; so many non-Christians have perfectly regular marriages and they're happy.

He said to me, "you really think you'd be able to upkeep a relationship with a boy without first getting to know me? Trust me. If you don't get close to me, you'll spend your whole life afraid of closeness. Even if you wanted to, you wouldn't be able to convince yourself to allow yourself that with a guy."

He said much more, about other aspects of my life, but this was the biggest takeaway point for me. It was the realisation that I've been seeking intimacy in the wrong places, and hoping for an eventual marriage and family was me evading the root concept.

At the end of the day, the guy God has planned for me is not going to test me on the duration I can hold hands with him for. He will not make me do kissing drills to make sure I'm okay with contact. He's not going to get upset if I am not big on cuddling during movies. No, God has planned someone for me who is able to walk with me and Jesus. That's what I have realised I want too, when the time is right.

And girls, the same goes out to you: don't feel tortured by media and marketing and friends to "look good in a thong" or "please your man in bed". That's not your role. That's not anybody's role. Your role as a woman, as a girl, as a female, is to walk with God (just like the boys are called to do. Surprise! God doesn't play gender discrimination), and to recognise your royal heritage as God's princess with a home in heaven. Your duty is not to people or to men. Your duty is to God, and when the situation calls for it, yourself. God has never called you fat. He has never called you out on the shape of your nose. He is never going to tell you that your body shape is less attractive than the next girl's. God is extremely confident in you, and has a whole catwalk set up just for you. Don't shortchange yourself of that.

If you have a porn problem, if you have commitment issues, if you have daddy issues, I think you need to look at your relationship with God. Are you silently searching for God without even realising it? And if so, how can you get back into the game? My suggestions:

1. Find a cell group pronto. Or just one (same gender/sex) accountability partner who you're comfortable opening up to, and pray together frequently. Share verses. Create a whatsapp group to keep each other in check.
2. Do your devotions without fail. Whether this means finding devotional material or a Bible reading plan or an audiobook, find a way to ensure you don't excuse yourself from familiarising yourself with God's word.
3. Don't pray for the sake of praying. Pray because you have the privilege to be heard by the King of all. Pray because you have something to say in Jesus' name. Pray because Jesus loves you.

I recognise and hope that majority of readers will be girls, and maybe even girls struggling with similar problems, but if you are a guy, then I want to say that the same goes for you too! Find a cell group, get close to God, and pray fervently. I don't think God plays gender favourites. He also isn't going to shut you out because of a mistake. Admittedly, I will know much less about how to deal with this as a boy, because I'm... not a boy. And I won't say that you have it easier, because I don't know what you're going through. But I will say that you do not need to be ashamed of owning up to your male cell group leaders or guy church friends, and allowing them to pray for you. With humility comes healing (something I had to learn the hard way).

This has been incredibly difficult to write (for some reason, I've been completely brain-dead typing this but God has put words into my fingers) because I know it's not a popular issue. It's a very personal issue as well; I don't think I've shared anything this close to my heart on this blog before. As such, I'd appreciate it if you treat it with some basic respect. I would love for you to share this and feedback regarding this, but please don't turn this into an avenue to bully me or any other girls who have this problem. Or guys. And, though it's not really in my control, I sincerely hope it isn't detrimental to the way you view me. If, however, this is stumbling to you and you feel you cannot be around me or that it is better if such things aren't publicised (or certain parts of it), I understand and would love your feedback.

Thank you, and as always, have a blessed, blessed week ahead.