Service Means Nothing to God if it Costs Nothing to You

Service means nothing to God if it costs nothing to you.

These are the words that God put into my heart today during drum rehearsals at church.

--If you would like to ignore my very long drama mama background story thingy please skip this section--

Anything to do with music is always tough for me (I think I've written about this before but I can't remember soOo here goes my grandmother story...) because it's the one thing that I've never really been able to live up to, in anybody's eyes. I've been told that I can't sing (out of a group of maybe twenty kids in a big-scale musical, I was the only one sent outside the recording studio to babysit the smaller children, and the only one who wasn't allowed to sing for the recording!), I've been rejected from auditions, I've been told my timing is off... it goes on. Plus the fact that my father and brother are extremely musically inclined, I always felt like I was falling short. I went for an entire year without playing or listening to any music, and when I finally eased back into the whole thing, I was even worse than when I started out.

Yeah. Why am I telling you this?

Because when two (wow) years ago, God told me to join the worship ministry with drums, all of this was what went through my mind. Again, I was afraid of not meeting expectations. I actually snuck into church (well. If you can call it sneaking. I mean, it's a church. Doors are always open.) one day after school to sit by the drum set in the youth service hall and prayed, asking if this was what God really wanted me to do. God told me that at the end of the day, He doesn't care how badly I play. As Sister Samantha shared with me today, "first work on your heart, then your art". It's about my attitude of worship, it's about letting Him use me. That's it. That's all there is to it.

There were lots of obstacles. (I believe in the whole "satan only tries to hold back the people who God is moving forward" thing) Rehearsals and school were both crazy, and so I couldn't make training for nearly an entire year. Maybe more.

--Okay we're done with the context-y stuff. Real blog post starts now.--

I'll be honest. Today was not one of my best days. Today was not a sparkly, summery "day in the life of a happy Christian girl". It was anything but. And in all honesty, I'm still feeling kind of rough.

By the time I got to church, I was feeling so mentally lethargic and so crumpled that I got more nervous than I normally am before drumming. My legs were shaking, my arms were shaking, I couldn't see straight. I couldn't count the timing in my head, and I couldn't play to the beat.

Towards, I think, the middle of the first song, I started hearing the voice of the vocal coach from that one musical that made me stay off music for a year (she's actually a really lovely person, and she came and apologised/prayed with me the year after. No grudges are being held, I promise.). I kept hearing both her words and mine: "you're not good enough", "you can't sing". And then my old drum teacher (who is also incredibly nice) started chiming in too; I started hearing him go "your timing is off" and "you can't do that". Mostly, I think all of this blowing-things-out-of-proportion stems from my insecurity in music as a whole.

I tried to carry on playing, but after awhile, these things were the only things I could hear, and I started crying. I felt like I'd been doing a pretty good job getting over the negativity (hey! I don't lipsynch at worship, and I sometimes sing around my friends!) so having it all come back and hit me like a tsunami was something I hadn't felt in awhile. I wasn't prepared to feel that way, and it felt horrible.

The entire worship team was really, really nice about it. Sister Samantha asked if I wanted to talk about it, and then she prayed for me. After I was done playing the rehearsal, she brought me aside to chat as well.

After she prayed for me, God reminded me that real service costs something. He reminded me that it's easy to give if you have nothing to lose, and it's easy to accelerate if the engine already works. He reminded me of the time that He first revealed that He wanted to put me in the creative arts ministry, when I was in church by the drum set. Of how He told me that He doesn't care whether I have the talent or the gift. And how He reminded me that He is greater than any shortcoming, and He can use whoever and whatever He wants to use, for His beautiful glory.

It's so great to be able to say that God is using my weaknesses for His glory. How many people do you know who can and will do that?

So yes. On a final note, I want to encourage anybody and everybody who might have been feeling like your service, or your work, or your school stuff, isn't worth it anymore. DON'T GIVE UP! It's hard to see it now, and it will be hard to see for awhile, but God can't bless us with sight if we were never blind in the first place. Keep fighting! God is going to use you, and He loves you (including all your flaws).

God bless!