But I guess, first off, it's pretty vital that I share... some insight... into my spiritual life.
I started understanding who God was before I started understanding what the church was meant to be. In Sunday School, only the primary fours to sixes are "allowed" to take the Holy Communion. I remember once, in primary one, the teacher asked all those taking the Communion to stand. I stood. And it's not because I was stupid and didn't know that only the upper primary school students were to take the Bread and the Cup. It was because I believed that spiritual maturity was not defined by age. It's a principle that God put in my heart then, which still stays with me now.
I was a horrible Christian.
There were a few words I didn't understand (coming from a girl who would read four books a day and liked flipping through thesauruses... that's a big problem). Among them were fellowship, church and worship. I kept hearing stories of kids, little kids, who could speak in Tongues at the age of six. Who were prophesizing before they'd actually gotten into primary school. Who could hear His voice and talked about Him in ways so vivid, it was hard to imagine that He was only a figment of their imagination (because, quite simply, He's not). And then here I was, under the impression that I was such a good Christian, and He just wasn't doing anything in my life.
On top of that, I didn't really fellowship with the other kids at church. I don't know why (I will admit though that even now, I'm a shy person, and tend to only get to know people on the surface, a habit I have to erode), I just didn't talk to them or get their numbers (well, I didn't have a phone, so... maybe there's a reason for that one...), and when I tried, I didn't make the effort to keep in touch. The result? I didn't have close friends at church that I was excited to see or who talked to me about Christ. I didn't understand why I had to be in church, why I had to meet people who loved God, and why I couldn't just do this whole Jesus thing singlehandedly. I mean, if God is almighty, and can do all things... why can't He just get me through this life?
That's when I started to backslide. Even worship, something I've always enjoyed, became a personal performance, an "audition" for Christ's affection, something it definitely, definitely is not. The situation worsened when I was told by a vocal coach that I couldn't sing, and was made to babysit, instead of sing like I was meant to (it's a comment that still affects me pretty heavily). I just refused to worship altogether.
Thus began my retrenchment from Christ's allegiance.
I fell out of the routine of going to church. Most of my primary school life, Sundays were meant for nice breakfasts with the family and sleeping in. For Sunday morning chores like changing the hamsters' bedding or raking leaves. Sunday was (and still is, for so many students) just the day before Monday.
Still, I gotta say, I didn't do anything ostensibly wrong. I didn't know about the F-word until primary four, and didn't hear it being used until primary six. And even then, whenever I heard it, it felt like I'd been shot in the stomach. I didn't cuss, I didn't do drugs, I didn't listen to rock n roll... I was good, right?
Wrong.
Backsliding is gradual.
In Secondary Two, I started listening to heavy metal and rock. There is nothing outright wrong about it, as long as you guard your heart and mind... something I just hadn't learnt to do yet. I recently discovered a blog that I set up in Secondary One which carried me through Secondary Two, and I have to be honest. As much as I thought I was having problems in my life, a large part of it was probably due to the lyrics that I was allowing into my heart. Trust me, those that got through were not very uplifting...
The real fall began when I lost touch with what I stood for altogether. I won't go into details, but a lot of my morals started to slip down the drain. I was doing things that God didn't want me to do, things that hurt me and the people around me, things that were, in reality, attempts at filling the void that God was supposed to (where He now resides, thankfully).
That downfall lasted two years.
I kept falling deeper and deeper. But the most painful thing about being stabbed is taking the dagger back out. Returning to where I used to be was the most traumatic thing I'd experienced, because for the first time, I was seeing the bigger picture. I was seeing the warzone I had created around me. The hurt I'd inflicted in other people's lives, and the damage I'd done to my own. It was like that moment in a thriller/action movie when the hero realises he's been working for the enemy all along.
Yeah, that was me.
And after many many many many (many) many prayers, sleepless nights, Bible verses and precious angels (in the form of friends and family)... I finally got back up on my feet. Actually, I only truly recovered last December. And since then, it's been... amazing. There is no word for it. I've witnessed how God has turned all of my hurt, suffering, sin, stupidity... into a testimony, into a plaque that says "I went through all that, and I did all those things, and yeah, I gave up on Him... but He had faith in me, and He got me out". It's changed me as a person, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as a student, as a Christian. If you could see who I used to be, and who I am now... the change is a full 180 degrees. I don't recognize who I used to be, and for that I am so, so, so glad. God is good! I have never felt so happy, so loved, so accepted, or so comfortable with who I am.
There is a void that we all try endlessly to fill, but there is a way to fill it.
There is suffering and there is pain, but only because without them, you might not be able to appreciate all the beauty He's about to bless you with.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11
God bless you, He loves you very much(:
Hi Ayane.
ReplyDeleteI am a dad to children almost as old as you. I have got 3 beautiful daughters and a son. Had I read what you wrote on your life and sorts I would have been a better father to my children. I pray that many dads who reads your posts and intro will benefit from it. Thank you Ayane. So proud of you.Jesus be with you always.